I swear, I try to be a positive person. I try. I try to push away the bad, or at least keep it to myself. I try not to bitch or whine because I know that so many people have it or have had it worse than I have. I try to be the strong friend, the comic, the shoulder to cry on, the arms to hold you up if ever you fall, the ear that will listen and the voice that will offer whatever advise or solace I possibly can. My friends are dear to me.. especially here, where all I have is myself. I would take on any and all of their troubles if I could. Sometimes I vent and I feel bad. Not because I necessarily believe it to be a sign of weakness, but because I prefer to be the helper and not the help. Because even when things are bad, I just want to push it all down and away. I try to be a good person. I'd give my last dollar to a friend, I spare money to the homeless or buy them food when I can, I do what I can because I want to make this place even the teeniest bit better when I leave it than when I came in. I just don't understand why.. I don't know.. I'm not saying I want a perfect life. I'm not even saying it has to be easy.. But this shit is just getting so ridiculous.
My grip is just slipping.. Being on your own is hard. The bills pour in, the job is stressful, the.. well. I don't want to offend anyone, so I'll leave it at that.
I just had such a bad day today. It was one thing. On top of another. On top of another. In a perfectly sequential order. One down, next one is up to bat. I don't cry.. at least not for anyone to see (unless I'm drunk and I lose my coat, ha).. but I lost it today.
I don't want to lose it. Cool.. calm.. collected. Please. Every night or morning when I see it's 11:11, I always wish something good for someone else. Whoever my thoughts are with at the time.. "I hope so and so has a great day today" etc. Tonight I wished for myself and I felt selfish for it.
I love life and I don't want to begin hating it. I don't want to be bitter. I want to keep thinking "one day at a time", "it could always be worse", "it will get better" etc. I just want to smile through it and hold back the tears.
I need the strength. Sometimes I need to be held. I need to see a silver lining. All I see are clouds.
I'm sorry for venting. I figured if I put it here... people read it if they want.. and don't if they don't.. then I'm not burdening anyone.
This too shall pass.
It will get better.
There is a silver lining.
Eyes to the sky.
It. Will. Be. Okay.